Ho'okuikahi

 It was eye-opening. I realized that people can go through whatever they are going through and still be civil. I was civil when people were hugging me this weekend. I gave a fake smile and engaged in meaningless conversation which I thoroughly did not enjoy. That is what means to be in hālau. I can't be me. I am willing to tolerate that because of my joy of learning about the Hawaiian culture. There is only room for one toxic relationship in my life and hālau takes a pretty big chunk of that. Within the intricacies of that entity, I sometimes forget I still have to navigate through toxic relationships within it. Experiencing it was seemingly ok in the past. No more. No more tolerated disrespect. The idea of being accepted has gone completely out the window - it was a childhood trauma that I am tired of. I am tired of the feeling of 'keeping up' or 'being in the loop' or 'being valuable.' Time and time again, those of childhood trauma that I chase after to be accepted. I am completely finished. 

Empathy

 As I age, I find that I am more empathic at certain points in my life then some days, I still wonder if I am a serial killer. I revel some days at the fact that I don't feel. It is liberating. I feel only to appear 'normal' in societal context and because I have to so I don't get arrested. It's like a job. Maybe this is why I like being alone. Or maybe that is completely mutually exclusive. 

Recently I also have to watch how I project my energy. Sometimes it can really affect people, more than I know and it freakin' surprises me. It's a chore to keep that energy in check because some times i just want to destroy their inner being when I find someone that is lacking in integrity. There is no reason to behave poorly in my eyes, as a member of society. For them and for me. It is tiring so I just stay home and keep in my lane. However, I need to work out to strengthen my skeletal frame. 'sigh' 

Greed and therapy

 It's one of the seven deadly sins. In the last couple of days, I have to reevaluate my internal systems pertaining to greed. My goal for this year is to make money, to work and save and we are here half into 2025 and I have been saving. I also have been spending less. The more I make, the less I spend has become the habit of late. I am currently NOT spending beyond my means. What does all this mean? I think I have been caught up with the greediness of my fellow co-workers and like previously mentioned, I need to understand why my value system is seemingly dependent on my monetary income. Becoming one in that group? Working so I don't spend? What is my WHY. I believe my goal has been met for this year. I can starting backing off a little bit. Working 4-6 days sporadically is sufficient. Be content in what I have. 

 I have cancelled my therapy sessions. What I got from my last therapist is that if I am ok with the repercussions and consequences of my actions, then it is ok. I look back and I don't regret the choices I made. I could have been kinder with my words and actions. If I did, I may be viewed as a pushover which some people I believe do view me as given my kind and helpful nature. This is a a little difficult to navigate these kind of terrains and I have failed many times. The energies of both the giver and receiver is a tricky one. I definitely noticed that I give them what they give me, positive and negative, so they get a taste of their own medicine, in the positive and negative. 

Selfishness

 There is something to be said about selfishness. I tend to cut everything that is not deserving of my time out. Right now, I am tittering between swiping them all out and my thirst for knowledge. Dealing with less than ideal peeps are my least favorite pastime. I rather not deal yet in order to gain the 'ike, I need to deal. Ok, so I don't deal well with it. I am still trying to find a way to deal with something that does not or should not require my energy. Selfishness. Sometimes I think I expect more from them; in reality, I think I expect more from me. I have learnt my lesson from trying to impress people (a waste of time) to not caring (love this action step). I think about my actions and ask myself if I regret being resolute in my boundaries and the answer time and time again is no. A quick and solid no. I am pleasant, cordial, and helpful at times. That is as much energy I am willing to expend to those that annoy at me. Maybe there is something I need to learn from those that annoy me, maybe it is to remind me how NOT to be. And there is also some that my energy repel from. It is almost too much stimulation for me because life is amazing without dealing with them and I can be fully myself. That is what I learnt from my break from halau; that I miss being me. I smile at those months that there was just me.

The push

 I remember last year when I had my little spiritual push even though I was not ready. There was this nagging feeling of not being makaukau for whatever is coming. They never like listen and then the push came. No discussion or questions answered. Feeling what happened, it is what was needed back in jan/feb 2023 because later in the year, the fire happened. I was prepared then, even if I didn't quite understand how I processed the event. This year everything is getting pushed up. I can't see what's getting pushed up but I know that I have to get ready to receive it. Recently, I have gotten a FT position which I wanted for a while to have a more steady income, consistent health insurance, and accrued vacation and sick time. Maybe I am finally adult-ing in that sense. Also this year, it was for me to step back and shift everything around to see my growth. I see it and I really like it. Of course there is always things to work on but seeing and experiencing a more evolved me feels accomplished. There is always more. One day at a time. I do sense that I am more prepared now.

Post Korea

 I remember de-planing at HNL and a wave of heat and something hit me. It may have been stress but I still did not know what from. L and I just came from a wondrous vacation with great food and even greater experience. Since then I have not been consistent with being me. It is like holding on to pre-Korea self when I have already shifted into my present self. I cannot describe what is shifting but only that it has shifting and I am slightly fighting it hence my misalignment at work (mostly the self talk and lack of patience) and struggle with conforming. I am hesitating of letting go of the pre-korea work wu and not settling into my present wuness. I have to figure out something soon because things are clashing and  I am in disarray mentally. The kuleana has been tugging at me. What kuleana; I am still uncertain. What do I do? I drown myself in smutty fantasy books. I read a good amount in korea and now I do not have the time. Basically this form of hiding is futile. I have to get back on the horse and stop denying what is in front of me. Booboo and I talked about it. I feel her weight and internally, my own weight. What is the future for us. I cannot say I am makaukau because I definitely was not preparing for anything. I just wanted to be left alone with my job and my books with good sex sprinkled in. Now whatever it is, is here. Hiding from it under smutty books will not help me.

en route to BOS

 on HA first class 14:16 Kumu thinks it's best to do Papa Oli Wednesday and Papa Kupukupu. I can see how that is for him. I thrive in those two classes and not fearful and get dreadfulness that follows me in Monday and Tuesday night papas. Keli said to just go to Monday classes and not tell him. Just show up and don't go to Thursday night classes. We had some good conversations her and I. lol I asked if she gets nervous when performing. She says no because she just doesn't care. Ku mai ka hula? Nope, don't care. Ho'ike? Nope, don't care. I still cackle inside when I think about her answers and her non expressive facial look. It's priceless. It gives me a whole different perspective on things. She also said some true things about me: that I should get over the fact that I am not worthy (I'm paraphrasing) because I am and just come to papa. Kumu isn't changing. What I need to decide is if I can commit and also accept what cannot be changed. What calls to me is ALL things hula and not papa oli. Not because of what it is but who's in the papa. I am exhausted and somewhat uninspired when I return home. It's who's in the papa and their energy. Yes, I have to finally admit that I am sensitive to other people's energies and am an empath. I want to be a sociopath since that would be a simpler life. I cannot necessarily read the room if I am not open or dealing with my own issues but I can definitely sense the energy when I enter the room. I sometimes think I do that because I might have a little anxiety or PTSD. Take your pick. It could be both. Back to papa oli, I thoroughly enjoy the class, sometimes more than hula yet the environment gives me pause. What I want right now is still be on my break. It's only been two months for break and already kumu has been calling and hoa has been asking when I am coming back. My thought is taking the whole year off. Even returning in October which I mentioned to kumu gave pause. I can't see what is going to happen when I am finally done with my break. Are people seeing something that I don't? I am content now in sitting in my own self, a self that I have neglected and have been muted because of how sharp I am. I rather not talk to anyone that I don't like, Wouldn't that be lovely. That would be ideal. Alas, no such luck.