One Saturday Morning

 

Where do I start on this Saturday morning. I feel as though there will be another shift the last quarter of this year; not because I am increasing my lomi prices but a spiritual shift. I don’t know how that is going to look like. But first, I have to get clear on this mass that has been lingering. It’s not hula, not completely oli, my ‘ohana relationship perhaps. It’s more like a mindset – my perspective. I am getting things done, less procrastination yet it does need a little more push. Maybe because I am procrastinating less, getting stuff done, the clearer my mind is and now I can see the sun peeping through the horizon of something bright. Is it me? Is this my destiny? What does it look like and what changes will happen?

This year has been passing quickly and it’s been pushy. And sometimes I think that is why I have a ball of mass in the way because I refuse to step into whatever it is expected of me. I am not ready. No one told me. I was just pushed into this next phase and I am throwing a tantrum mentally and spiritually. I am getting in the way or rejecting it for now until I am ready. Ha! Ready? Why is that even a word.

The safety of my semi daily routine is comforting. I am surviving and not thriving if I am to be honest because I am scared of change. I feel like I am not living my ideal life. I am still renting. That’s the main one. My perspective regarding relationships is sometimes at peace and other times, in turmoil. I have reverted back to old ways in one instance and now am suffering the consequences. I almost feel like it is better I don’t talk at all if I have nothing nice to say. Then that is most of the time lol.

Ho’oma’ama’a my hula and oli practice. Another strand of this mass. There’s a lot to do and I like my TV. Discipline. Watching TV is another way of procrastination and rejecting. What would it look like if I didn’t reject. Also, my ego is in the way. I think I am a good hula dancer; in reality I could be light years better. I can only do the best I can with what I got and improve in the speed as I move and that’s better darn slow. I get ‘em tho slowly but surely. Just because I feel good about how I dance doesn’t mean I am good in the eyes of others. I have to accept that. Different perspectives. No one is as proud as I am.

I have been good about not caring what people think. Fuck ‘em is what I say. This is another way of rejection. Rejection of them for their potential of hurting me or screwing me over. The potential is real, especially in halau. I learnt that the hard way. My way of living does not coincide with theirs.

Retail therapy has been real and not in a good way. I have slowed down in my spending and again, that could use some help too.

All in all, life has been good and improvements to be clearer have been made. I am seeing procrastination as a real thing.